Where are you?
In a non slutty way
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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