I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She told me I should be a condom model.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize