I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
