we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
