you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
