I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
