i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
