Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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