I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
