I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
