he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
