You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
