he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
