he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
