dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
