You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
COCAINE IS GR8
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
