Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
soo... how was my night?
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