Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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