alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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