Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize