God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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