Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
