The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize
