I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
