yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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