The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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