thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
