I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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