I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
