I am in a vortex of obligation.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize
