I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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