i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
