new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
