I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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