Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
