You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
