Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Come share oat with me in your robe
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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