I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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