everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize