I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My life is pants optional.
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