I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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