She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
