Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
