his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
