nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
