; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Actions speak louder than pants.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
