You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
