OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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