I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
