My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
