Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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