she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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