There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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