After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
