his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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