i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
