Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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