my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
