You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
