Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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