Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
