He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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