Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
